Lesson of the Evil [2012, by Takashi Miike] is a deliciously taut, bloody film that follows a handsome, charismatic high school English teacher named Hasumi. Hasumi also happens to be a psychopathic killer [Example of what constitutes a psychopath: while killing a fellow heartless bastard, Hasumi says "You like to kill for pleasure? I don't"]. After some dabbling in forced suicides, faked suicides, and straight-up homicide, Hasumi winds up at night with a shotgun in his school. Just his luck, there is a class of about thirty students setting up a “House of Horrors” [the irony isn't exactly subtle] in the school overnight. With one adult to supervise [what world are they living in? JAPAN? ANSWER ME], locked doors, and a cleverly blocked cell phone signal, the massacre scene plays out half as a thriller, half as a dark, dark comedy. To wit:
- When involved in a mass, unexpected killing in a locked building, (especially if you already have the advantage of dead bodies on you) PLAY DEAD. Don’t scream, don’t run, and don’t do something as ridiculously pointless as whine “BUT WHY?” to the killer. He’s already decided this is happening. Attempts at empathy will be shot in the foot, head, and anywhere else visible.
- Don’t keep mentioning said killers’ name over and over in protest or acknowledgement. This forces him to confront how many people now know he’s a killer, and will only prove to make him angrier [and it won't help you, at all. You'll still die].
- NEVER kiss/make out with/have sex with your high school teacher. Besides the disgusting moral lines crossed, he just might! Kill you later because you already know he is into the crossing of moral lines [and why is he asking what message boards you can get into? RUN, BITCH, RUUUN].
- If you’re gonna hide from a killer outside, close the goddamn window! Billowing curtains are the hugest red arrow in any horror film.
- If you know too much, shut up. Or only talk in the woods, which is apparently the only place in the world that can’t be bugged.
- If the killer asks “is that you?” While you’re dying, even if he sounds nice, KEEP DYING. FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T ANSWER HIM
Lastly, and Most Importantly, if someone is too handsome, kind, intelligent, outgoing, & just generally way too knowledgeable to be believed…..don’t believe him. Rat out that bitch. Particularly if their theme song is “Mack the Knife” (and they whistle it. Creepily. While working out naked. As one is wont to do).